Distraction

This has been an incredibly challenging year for me so far, but also one full of wonderful revelations and definite blessing. I put in a considerable amount of time at my job, train hard at my martial arts school, and focus as much effort as I can into my school work. The days are always very full, and once I come home at night I try to drum up enough energy and concentration to complete assignments and do the research necessary to suceed in my classes, often staying up until the wee hours of the morning.

Usually, the chaos and stress of my schedule means that I focus only on what's immediately at hand... because to wrap my mind around all of the responsibilities and expectations placed on me at once would be overwhelming. It's a survival mechanism. And one that is desperately needed at this point. Yet I admit that even with this practice, I find myself often struggling to maintain focus even on simply completing the tasks at hand. It's not a lack of will that is the problem. Rather, it is the prevelance of an undergirding passion that consistently distracts me from the immediate.

In general, I label this "distraction" as the gentle whispers (or loud revelations) of God to my soul. They always come when I need to be doing something else (like studying), but they never fail to awaken me to ideas and truths of a much higher calling than my inconsequential graduate work. And awaken is the right word here. Though my body may be tired, these moments of "distraction" are like a shot of adrenaline to my soul. I am sure that many of you can relate.

A common theme of these moments of distraction centers around what I am discovering to be a deeply founded soul-tie to Africa. I consistently find myself struggling to reconcile my current state in life with an inextricable devotion to the people of Uganda. My life plans never necessitated that I return there permanently (and still do not). However I cannot deny the tenacity or the depth with which memory and affection for that place continue to haunt me. Even in light of all I know about the downsides of living in a place like Uganda, my heart cannot so easily discard the profound attachment I have towards the land or the divine love I feel for the people. I have a desire to experience and contribute in other places of the world, but Uganda refuses to release its grip - its seeming possession, in fact - on my heart. I long to be there.

I ask myself constantly what it is that draws me back. Why would I long for a place that is poverty-stricken, dirty, smelly, broken, without amenities, burdensome, culturally challenging, inherently problematic, sometimes dangerous, and oftentimes heart-wrenching? But in answer, I keep getting these flashes of memory: laughter on the faces of children in squalid IDP camps, watching the sun set over Gulu town from my hotel balcony, sharing a traditional meal with a dear family in the slums of Kampala, watching underpriviledged students take joy in learning martial arts, seeing the shy looks of happiness when visiting students at school... all these memories and many more constantly remind me of the passion that took root long ago in my heart and blossomed into fullness during my year in Uganda. I remember these things, and the resilience and hope and fulfillment found in each memory... and I suddendly find myself struggling to hold it together as I write this, sitting in the public library.

What draws me to Uganda? What evokes this emotion? From whence does this passion come? It is from the very deep well of LIFE that I experienced there... life fulfilled, that is. It is from seeing, knowing, and feeling God in ways that I had only glimpsed before then. I don't completely understand it myself. I only know that it has been one of the most incredible experiences of my life to see the face of God and to recognize his hand even in the most desolate, depressing situations fathomable. And even more, I recognized that I was living out the purpose for which I had been created... and that, my friends, is a fulfillment unsurpassable by anything else in this life.

I am utterly confident that God wrote this passion for the downtrodden, and for Africa, on my heart long, long ago as He was creating my innermost being (Ps. 139:13). And, consequently, I realize now that it is not merely a fleeting passion, rather it is a soul-tie that will never be broken.

Bring on the distraction.