Distraction

This has been an incredibly challenging year for me so far, but also one full of wonderful revelations and definite blessing. I put in a considerable amount of time at my job, train hard at my martial arts school, and focus as much effort as I can into my school work. The days are always very full, and once I come home at night I try to drum up enough energy and concentration to complete assignments and do the research necessary to suceed in my classes, often staying up until the wee hours of the morning.

Usually, the chaos and stress of my schedule means that I focus only on what's immediately at hand... because to wrap my mind around all of the responsibilities and expectations placed on me at once would be overwhelming. It's a survival mechanism. And one that is desperately needed at this point. Yet I admit that even with this practice, I find myself often struggling to maintain focus even on simply completing the tasks at hand. It's not a lack of will that is the problem. Rather, it is the prevelance of an undergirding passion that consistently distracts me from the immediate.

In general, I label this "distraction" as the gentle whispers (or loud revelations) of God to my soul. They always come when I need to be doing something else (like studying), but they never fail to awaken me to ideas and truths of a much higher calling than my inconsequential graduate work. And awaken is the right word here. Though my body may be tired, these moments of "distraction" are like a shot of adrenaline to my soul. I am sure that many of you can relate.

A common theme of these moments of distraction centers around what I am discovering to be a deeply founded soul-tie to Africa. I consistently find myself struggling to reconcile my current state in life with an inextricable devotion to the people of Uganda. My life plans never necessitated that I return there permanently (and still do not). However I cannot deny the tenacity or the depth with which memory and affection for that place continue to haunt me. Even in light of all I know about the downsides of living in a place like Uganda, my heart cannot so easily discard the profound attachment I have towards the land or the divine love I feel for the people. I have a desire to experience and contribute in other places of the world, but Uganda refuses to release its grip - its seeming possession, in fact - on my heart. I long to be there.

I ask myself constantly what it is that draws me back. Why would I long for a place that is poverty-stricken, dirty, smelly, broken, without amenities, burdensome, culturally challenging, inherently problematic, sometimes dangerous, and oftentimes heart-wrenching? But in answer, I keep getting these flashes of memory: laughter on the faces of children in squalid IDP camps, watching the sun set over Gulu town from my hotel balcony, sharing a traditional meal with a dear family in the slums of Kampala, watching underpriviledged students take joy in learning martial arts, seeing the shy looks of happiness when visiting students at school... all these memories and many more constantly remind me of the passion that took root long ago in my heart and blossomed into fullness during my year in Uganda. I remember these things, and the resilience and hope and fulfillment found in each memory... and I suddendly find myself struggling to hold it together as I write this, sitting in the public library.

What draws me to Uganda? What evokes this emotion? From whence does this passion come? It is from the very deep well of LIFE that I experienced there... life fulfilled, that is. It is from seeing, knowing, and feeling God in ways that I had only glimpsed before then. I don't completely understand it myself. I only know that it has been one of the most incredible experiences of my life to see the face of God and to recognize his hand even in the most desolate, depressing situations fathomable. And even more, I recognized that I was living out the purpose for which I had been created... and that, my friends, is a fulfillment unsurpassable by anything else in this life.

I am utterly confident that God wrote this passion for the downtrodden, and for Africa, on my heart long, long ago as He was creating my innermost being (Ps. 139:13). And, consequently, I realize now that it is not merely a fleeting passion, rather it is a soul-tie that will never be broken.

Bring on the distraction.

Colorado

Hello Friends!

My, my, how time has passed and how life has changed in the past 6 months! As many of you know, I moved to Colorado in September of last year to pursue a graduate degree at the University of Denver. Let me briefly bring you up to speed on the events that led me here to Colorado and share with you my thoughts on where God may be leading me in the future.

After returning home from Uganda last summer, I faced an important and difficult decision concerning the direction my life would take. I had been questioning for months whether I should pursue graduate studies that year or wait until my financial situation was more reliable. On one hand, I wanted to be a good steward of the experiences and knowledge I had gained, and to invest them as soon as possible into studies that I felt would contribute to the life to which God had called me. However, I also wanted to utilize wisdom in my decision, and to not put myself unnecessarily in a vulnerable or disappointing situation. I struggled to apprehend God's will for me at that time.

Logic clearly dictated that I NOT move to Colorado. I was faced with an overwhelming set of obstacles that threatened to prevent both my ability to actually reach Colorado and my abililty to attend school. It seemed impossible and even foolish for me to make the move. Yet logic and wisdom are not synonymous. After much reflection and prayer, I still did not have a clear sense of whether I was supposed to pursue the school thing. However, I did feel strongly that I was not supposed to stay in Florida. And I also felt strongly, as I long have, that a life in pursuit of Christ often means giving up the security and stability that make life comfortable and predictable and safe. A life of total abandon, of exponential unknowns, of complete reliance on God... is... scary. But I have learned time and again that it is also the most fulfilling.

I moved to Colorado. And I have been attending graduate school for the past five months. To relate to you the absolutely perfect and unbelievable ways that God has provided for me would require a much more extensive report than what I will include here. Suffice it to say that God has provided, in just the right timing, everything that I have needed. Life has been anything but easy and worry-free since arriving in Colorado, but it has been so FULFILLING. Many of my new friends and colleagues, if they knew my story and situation, might look at me and discern that I have "nothing". But the truth is that I have EVERYTHING. My life is so incredibly BLESSED. And I feel so indescribably GRATEFUL for this life that God has granted me. (Phil. 3:8)

I am currently in my second of six quarters (about two years) of study for a master's degree in International Human Rights with a certificate in Humanitarian Assistance. The University of Denver (DU) is reputed to have one of the best international studies programs in the country. However, in addition to its top-tier study programs, it is also imbued (as expected) with the particular secular viewpoints and the Humanism that are so common in the world of higher academics. I pray that I can stand as a legitimate voice of moderation, but one that exudes wisdom and ethics based on my faith.

I don't know exactly what God has in store for my future. I simply know that I am on the right path, still pursing the passion that He has placed in my heart for helping those who are suffering and hopeless. As of yet, I do not know whether this path will lead me permanently or not to Uganda. The people and the land, however, are consistently on my mind and ever more deeply embedded in my heart. Initially, I had decided not to pursue another trip to Uganda until after I had completed my studies (after mid-2011). However, I now find myself reconsidering this decision. I have been giving some thought to planning another trip in Nov-Dec of this year (2010), during my winter break from school. If you feel led, please pray with me for wisdom in discerning whether this is the right time for me to return to Uganda.

I appreciate your support and interest more than you can know.

Blessings,

Holly